totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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