Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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