3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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