I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
This is the high leading the old right now
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
