My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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