so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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