from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
