Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
