Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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