I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You may now shotgun with the bride
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
