you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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