I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
