Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
It was confusing and full of hummus
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
