Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
