The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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