apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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