11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
