She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
i think i just lost a toe
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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