Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
