It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Congratulations! We have a period
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
