Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
