i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
