You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
