I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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