You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
