whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
