remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
