How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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