Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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