I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
