apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
