I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
