I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
