OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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