I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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