You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
