Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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