im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
