so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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