I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
