I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize