Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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