Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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