my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
His hands were made for my vagina.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
