tell your sister to shave her snatch
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
