I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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