You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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