I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
