I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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