I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
