Dude my mom stole all your condoms
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
