I will die if light touches me.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
