it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize