My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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