i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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