So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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