Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
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