I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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