i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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