"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
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