I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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