I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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