Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
