she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize