I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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