your parents love me but you hate me
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
