If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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