It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
